Windout

Be prepared for anything.
Little truths and indiscretions.
The joy will dig real deep.
As years fall away into memory.
You look forward, into my dreams.
Ignore those interruptions of life.
The wind in your chest breathes now.
This is your new religion.

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Happiness obligation

A truthfulness we promised ourselves to be.
Thine soul in twine.
Cracked butterfly wings of gold.
Yet the oil got their first.
But we can shake the Texas tea from our mouths.
And sore higher into the moon shaped sky.
This crowing. A deep reverence for the promise we made.
That we whispered into our ears when we came.
Sweet words like honey into milk.
We can avoid the fault line that threatens like an injured bird.
Dragging our horizons down.
Pull up your crown, and remember the happiness we sung.
Wrote poems and lyrics to in our heart of hearts.
Take the hand that hurts, and heal with a severed ego.
A beauty that we owe to ourselves.
An apology just for you.
A remembering of the happiness we deserves.

Winter gold

To the good times that we all share.
A rousing heat inside our hearts.
Bursting and threatening to shatter;
the dark mirrored shell that surrounds us.
At times, when lowest degrees permeate.
And latitudes of light are beyond our horizons.
We can feel it, like a rumbling thunder.
An energy of love in the soil beneath our feet.
Go barefoot into that land.
Feel the throb in your bones.
Of a light shattering out from within.
Washing the deserts in a sickening sea of joy.
For you will not drown, or even get wet.
For inside is where the water tumbles.
Scarlet rivers that bring air and reasons to your smile.
This dreamscape is cracking out of the darkness.
Like a conker out of its prickly casing.
The sleek, shiny version of self is waiting to breathe,
unsheathe, and glow in the winter’s sun.

Head for the horizon

The cuttings of a life, strewn over floor.
Burning the house down.
Taken all the youth you could carry.
Watched and charted.
By faces with a lack of sincerity.
Living only as ghosts in a mind;
now tired of putting out the fires.
Of keeping wolves at bay.
Tinsel traces of the familiar.
Staining the past.
Yet born to run away.
Who remains, to entertain?
Just swallow your feathered fear.
And head for the horizon.

Epiphany in bloom

Dark. Night.
Always black when our eyes are open.
The glittering of stars on our eyelids, just moments already gone.
We forget the gates are never shut.
Just hard to see in the dark.
A charcoal covering that we forget is all but soil.
Covering us until we choke.
But we are far from death.
We have a need in the seed we clutch in our hands.
The soil, this space is here for us to grow.
To bury us deeper, like the root that draws up from beneath.
We choose the season, for heaven remains.
Never locked, but moving around the sun.
We look inside ourselves and see the seed we wish to grow.
The worms and the decay, you have the chance to sweep away;
and breathe new air above.
Begin at the beginning, and sow the seeds of hope.
Water them with happy tears, and sweat from being tested.
From a warmth, not from the sun, but from a love invested.
In changing. In growing.
For all the world a knowing; that we create the garden.
We grow what we wish to see.
And they can smell like death or destiny.

View from the top

These sights wash these eyes like concrete.
Nothing moves me.
There is an absence of surprise now in my bones.
The world unfolds before me, much the same as it did yesterday.
Ashes never change.
It’s such a shame that everything stays the same.
And all these prayers go unanswered.
The wasted youth of trying to figure it all out.
Coming up empty.
Pots of fool’s gold and the things unneeded.
Yet bought at such a price.
The devil counts the souls as the sun goes down.
These conversations I have now, should be with myself.
Ten years ago.
Instead of to God.
Who always only ever laughed.

You only want the past to die

Cross this skin like rough terrain.
A bad road in every direction.
Cut deep with the scars of a warrior.
Battles won but never chosen.
You’ve earned those stripes that glimmer red in the sun.
After you’ve loved and left someone.
And danced with the lions.
Now they judge you if you choose to let go.
Escape the nest and break the bars.
Of a prison you took too long to leave.
For now the waiting‘s done.
And you choose to run.
Into a future you accept, with all its tests, wilfully.
Because it’s now your own.

Salt in the soul

What do you do, when cannot breathe inside?
As the voices pull and call you out to sea.
Caught on the tide of time.
The sun sweats out the salty dreams.
Moments of disconnection.
Burning and fizzing in the heat and spray.
On a day, far from over.
And though you try to ride the tide of change.
You only get battered, smashed against the rocky shores of truth.

Her own little joke

And all this talk of giving up.
All this talk of collapse.
Makes her soul spin and throw up.
Makes her mind relapse.
As she chuckles inward, quick at first.
Thinking back to how to how she fought.
Through the blood soaked perils, through the worst.
And all the things life taught.
She smiles now at their silly.
Their lives breaking down through phones.
How their summer sun turned chilly.
Now that ignorance is in their bones.
She wonders if they will ever feel.
How she did through the pain.
Through poverty, through lack of meals.
The constant bombs that fell like rain.
But she’s not bitter, she merely laughs through the windows.
She knows they’ll be just right.
They’ll fall on each other’s pretty pillows.
That they Photoshop every night.

Varying vacillation

So easy to dream, so easy to believe.
Smearing our shells with honey.
Chewing on tomorrow.
Staying warm by the light.
Setting little fires within that we promise to keep burning.
They smoke our flesh, making us delicious for the monsters of mortality.
Picking through our bones.
Choking on our hardened stones of hope.
It’s easy to try, it’s easy to survive.
A world designed to favour the ignorant.
The deckchair days of substantial existence.
Those fires burn us away to a husk of regret.
Washed upon the beach of the mind of god.
Though, the alternatives are sickening.
Giant cliffs in our soul to scale and ascend.
Bloodying our fingers on jagged toothy beasts.
Easier to lay on the sand, and be washed away with the desert tide.

Alchemy and deliberation

Twist the thorn in the blackness.
A congealed oil in my soul.
Split the vein and breathe.
Om Sarveshaam svastir-bhavatu.
We’ve stripped the skin, dived right in to a place we’ve known before.
A return, or re-invention.
Time to manage the maligned.
Re-arrange the altar in my heart, kneel and give thanks.
Here. Now. So high.
Flying above houses and heaven.
Making my way across the sky.
With green tea and terror on my lips.
But unafraid, of the wonder beyond.
The familiar in my bones.
And the story yet told.

Extirpate>Amalgamate

Stand in the middle of the wreckage.
The galaxy of regrets wash at your feet.
All open fields.
The tidal pull within you, feasting on black waves of idealism.
You bring your dreams to god.
Such food for a hungry beast.
The wind washes away, the dirt and decay of mountainous failure.
And who really cared. Who really cried over forgotten chances?
The road just diverged.
You detoured to this place where you can feel the grass under your feet.
Grounded.
Predisposed to deletion, to erase what was the stain and the dirt.
Such grand destructions.
But now it lies, bleached into your eyes.
Hung up in the gallery of your life.
And we now admire, devouring the stories of your past.
All parts that assimilated to the messiah of the meadow.
Here. Now. Living, breathing.
Being.

Do, what you don’t

Do you need some assistance?
While the moon falls, and the waves turn black.
That notorious liar.
All joy that expired, when they decided to stay.
Robbing and rubbing. Making little nests for magpie memories.
It found you, such violent forgiveness.
Crashing into your cells while your conscience slept.
And do you wake to pray?
Do you mean to say, you would give it all back?
Sin crouches at the door.
God hovers on your lips.
And still, you remain the same.

Attending one’s own funeral

Everything in the air, but for a moment; you’re not there.
Dust into dust and the ashes to rust.
Dressed in black, with a wolf under your skin.
The only commitment you have, is the body into the ground.
No one weeps, for that was planned.
The space of you that we now turn to ghosts.
Cut off in the prime of its chaos.
Tried to hide, tried to bide, the time it took to change.
Like needles in veins, it maintained control.
And to the earth we shall return.
For the heavens poured into the mouth of mother earth.
The light broke, smashed and scattered.
Drenching the dark soul of you in fluorescents.
And the shadows slipped away.
And the horror turned to decay.
It all collapsed into now, this day; where you can start again.

Broken pieces

​Uncover the shells, the coins over these eyes.
Floating like the debris of life.
Dug out of god’s pocket, with the lint and consequence, of time.
Falling by.
Clutched in the hand as broken pieces.
Early echoes of a self that I once knew.
Too quickly, it left the room.
The place I had built with much toil and despair.
A sanctuary of solitude, on the edge of uncertainty.
And now, a numbness takes over.
Turns bones to brittle and guards to be dropped.
All slack cut as the mind opens wide.
Am I sorry to myself?
What apology is needed, in the face of evolution?
Of change that throttles and throws us into tomorrow.
I land on my cat feet, without those nine lives.
Just a jumble inside of those broken pieces.
Rattling out a tune, a new version of me.

Prologue to happiness

Hum, under the skin.
Vibrations shift the molecules and intent.
What really is set in stone? What scratches the sky?
Mistakes can be pulled down like skyscrapers.
Tumbling into the ruin of the past.
For a chance to rebuild.
This is the sound of severing.
Separation from the collapse of an old self.
We frequent too often the cities of solitude.
Built in times of uncertainty and fear.
A symphony of graffiti, cover all you see.
Now break it all, and shed the skin.
Crack the bones within and begin.
A sanctuary that pulls you into space.
To replace and repel the ghosts.
That never learned to fly.

Undoing

Flutter as the noise disturbs the flies.
And the feelings come alive.
In all of the ways you make it up.
How much of you is smeared in invisible ink on the soul?
It’s a little of you, a little of me.
A flame caught in the eyes of others.
Reboot.
Start again and untangle the mess of a millennium.
Who set the clocks anyway, the ones that are always ticking?
Paint all of this green and make it come alive.
Dance in the field of the immortals.
Where nothing shakes their bones.
And welcome arms embrace your indecision.
For that is where true beings reside.
And the great pretenders die.

I don’t want this future

Sand flurries through these fingers.
Time crumbling away.
I stand motionless, allowing the wind to rattle my bones.
A cobweb in my mind tightens.
The earth shakes and my moon falls.
I want to return, go back. Sit and wait on the edge of existence.
Dip my feet into the pool on unknowing.
All the mysteries have answers.
All the faces now have frowns.
These clothes, this skin; all illusionary trinkets to dazzle and distort.
A box, a prison I have dug for myself.
My temptation tiptoes into time, and takes me away.
Above the towns and the moments I made.
I return to the tree from where I fell.
Safe and secure like a nut underground.
Buried and forgotten by last year’s squirrel.
I sit and wait, casting eyes up to the heavens.
Allow for the rains to wash it all away.
Soaking it deep in my veins to breathe a new now.
With my future, yet unwritten.
Writing in the coal I’m turning to diamonds.

Kiss me like a stranger

How long had she been driving? The sky above her was threatening the night, while bullet lights of passing cars pierced her eyes. She had left that morning, surprised by so many things that were happening, but no longer surprised by being surprised.

She had packed up things so quickly. Everything swept away with such ease she felt she could be erased from life in a blink of an eye and no-one would notice, no one would care. A part of her doubted she would even go through with it. But down the highway heading out away from town she smiled to herself, a scared secret smile that she was doing the right thing. Not the best thing, this would not make her instantly happy or even make the pain stop. But it was the right thing to do.

She yawned theatrically, and pushed her hair back catching her nail in some of the strands. She opened the car window for the cool air to wake her up a little. Her phone had been switched off since she’d left, she knew there would be endless calls and texts until she was located; talked around and called back. She was happy to silence that. The radio rang out, lifting her spirits as the night closed in on that highway which was getting more isolated. The lights in the distance were getting further apart and she knew she was hitting the ‘Quietlands’, the stretch of road that coursed through a mini desert with nothing of interest on either side of her.

She was getting tired, and she was hot still, even as the day’s heat descended. She felt grubby and sweaty, her back sticking to the seat of the car as she zoomed away from her past. She knew her destination. She had had it planned and etched I her mind for years now. She knew which road to take and how long it would be until she got there, and she planned to drive through the night to make it.  Her eyes were getting heavy though. The lids dropping like a shutter to a store closing for the night.

She took a right turn down a road she knew was wrong almost instantly. The silent highway tarmac gave way to a rough dirt track which snaked around the cactus and mounds of earth. She stopped suddenly, releasing she had gone wrong and put the car in reverse when he spotted some dim lights up ahead. They weren’t moving, and she guessed they were pulled to the side of the road. What a shitty place to break down she thought and put the car into gear and drove slowly up to where the other one was parked.

She pulled alongside the car, which she noticed too was the same model as her own. At least she might be able to help fix it, her own car had given her quite a few problems over the years, and she always carried a spare of everything. The sun had disappeared over the horizon now with the slither of light hanging on to the blue black sky. Though the lights were on, she couldn’t see anyone at first.

“Hello?” She called out, though the open window of her car.

It was then she appeared.

She floated as if on a sea of crimson, her red dress puncturing the sandy track like blood slashed across flesh. She came from the bushes, her hair immaculate with a faraway look in her eye. Jessie was a little taken aback, but she called out again; assuming she had not heard her as she had not replied.

“Hello, do you need some help.”

The woman smiled and carried on over to her car where she knelt on the wound down window.

“Hey. What’s up?” She said, as if meeting on old friend.

Jessie looked at her through the dying light of the day, framed in her car’s window pain. She was everything she had wanted to be once. She looked immaculate, like she was stepping out onto the town. She wore a confidence that married her friendliness well, the two playing out for the audience of anyone.

“Do you need help, is your car broken down?” Jessie asked, smiling encouragingly.

“That piece of shit? It’s old, but it’s working.” The woman replied, giving Jessie the once over.
“Oh, I thought you might be in some sort of trouble?” Jessie asked, making it a question.

“Trouble?” the woman asked curiously, and laughed a little. And with that she turned around and walked back to her car.

Jessie watched her, momentarily unsure of what to do. She then suddenly felt the urge to get out of her own car. She unbuckled her seatbelt and climbed out of her dusty machine which whirled and deflated after the long hot day.

“What’s your name?” The woman asked her, as if beckoning her over. Jessie made her way over to the car, the same colour as her own yet caked in dirt as if it had emerged up out of the sand.

“Jessie, how about you?” She replied. The woman had jumped up onto the bonnet now, sitting upon it like a kid.

“Where you heading?” she replied, avoiding the question. Though Jessie didn’t feel any danger, she didn’t want to tell anyone where she was headed. She knew once the world knew, it would throw up things to pull her back. Back to the life she never had wanted to live from the start.

“A long way away. Listen, if you do need any help, I’m happy to assist.” Jessie said, listening to the desert around them open to the twilight.

“You running away?” She asked suddenly.

“No.” Jessie replied defiantly. She saw something then flash in front of the woman’s eyes. The same defiance that twisted and churned in her own belly. “No. I’m making some changes for the better is all.” She added.

“What’s so bad that you’re leaving behind?” She asked.

“Urm…listen, if you don’t mind. I need to get going. So if you do need any help, please say.” Jessie said, politely but firmly. She was always one to go along with what people said and wanted, but she was indeed trying to make some changes in her life and now was a good time as any.

The woman cast her eyes down to the ground, while she toyed with the sunglasses she had in hand. As if finding what she was looking for there, she looked up at Jessie.

“Is it Jack?” The woman asked suddenly. Flaring her eyes. Jessie glared at her, not sure of what was happening.

“What?” she asked, a slither of understanding falling down from the sky.

“Or is it slowly seeing the dream you dreamt back when you were only twelve, wither and die like everything out here. Cooked and charred in the sun until it blows away into time?” She said.

Jessie stared at her, sensing something familiar. She looked at the car, the licence plate covered up in dust and dirt. She looked quickly into the passenger seat, spotting a duffle bag and vanity case.

Suddenly the woman jumped off of the bonnet and came towards her, grabbing her face and kissing her quickly on the mouth. Jessie couldn’t help it, but she closed her eyes; tasting the watermelon lips and feeling the hazy intensity. She pulled her in close, cocooning her away from the world in a moment where all made sense to her. Her mind flashed back to her old house, the smell of takeaways and the cheap cologne.

They parted as suddenly as they begun, Jessie knew then what she needed to do. She dropped to the floor and grabbed the largest stone she could find. Picking it up, she launched it over and over again into the woman’s skull, battering her down into a scarlet pulp that matched the inappropriate dress she was wearing. She threw the rock off into the buses near to where the other car was parked and then returned to her own. Her hands were shaking, and blood smeared onto the steering wheel as she turned it around and sped off back towards the main road. As she glanced in her rear-view mirror, she noticed the headlights of the other car had faded, snubbed out like the life of the woman who now lay in the dirt, beaten and crumpled and gone from this world.

When Jessie got to the main road, she turned right, accelerating hard into the direction she had been heading before.

After a few miles, the blood on the steering wheel had faded away and her breathing had now returned to normal. She reached over to her own small bag she had on the front seat and took out her lipstick. She smeared the scarlet shade across her lips, puckering in the mirror as she sped off into the night. Determined more than ever to get away, and to get to the place she had planned to in her dreams for years. Not looking back once.

Shift kiss

Take your hand off your eyes. See the sky above ignite.
Do not fall down into that soily grave alone.
Holding the hands of no-one.
Let the universe pulse in your veins.
Feel a fresh kiss of heroin as you save a life.
Save your own.
Communicate and reverberate this feeling.
Coursing and freewheeling.
Tumbling off of each kiss you give.
Each smile that slips into the dark.
To light the shadows like roman candles.
Let your galaxy slide into view.
Forget the hue of distrust and knee jerk distaste.
Taste me now. Let me in.
Strip way that cotton shell you’re living in.
Drink. Dive. Repeat.
Do not even give it a name.
Feel the ebb and flow as the old world shatters.
Sink into a sunbeam, radiating a love for everyone.
A neighbour, a lover.
A god in another skin.
Look within.

Sending myself flowers

When the universe rests, and slumbers in my mind.
And all around me is still.
I take this chance to apologise.
For who I have become. For who I wanted to be.
An apology for me.
Within these cracks and slithers of my soul.
That remain unfettered to moral decay.
I brush the hurt away. And send myself flowers.
Hoping to turn over those leaves, and find you.

Futile

I do know that you loved me a little bit.
Though I still think it was just counterfeit.
And I know you loved yourself a little bit more.
I traded my life, just for a taste of it.
Inside you fist, I was caught within your grip.
You had me believing it was better than it was before.
Now you come back, wanting a part of me.
Ignoring the pain you caused, expecting me to be free.
Arrogantly thinking it was you we wanted to see again.
So let me update you, and send you on your way.
I have no need for your ego always on display.
I have found true love and it is here to stay, without you.

Transitory

Waking up from one of those stormy dreams.
Dusting off the snow, wringing out the rain. Blinking through and seeing the hereafter.
How does the truth feel? How does my love resonate?
Placing one foot in front of the other, as I tiptoe out of the past.
Blue skies all the way, though I still don’t know which direction to head.
Draining off the artificial sweeteners.
The ones that kept me synthesized, crying out for attention.
I’ll make my way into tomorrow, u the clouds aside; laughing at the rain.
All transitory self-emotion.
Coating myself in war paint.
A Real version of me.
Falling away, soaking up the sun.